Eleven
It was a few weeks after the crying incident when Sarah got a call from Human Resources, asking her to come to the office immediately to answer some questions. She agreed and went upstairs before most people had come into the office. She was greeted by a woman in high-waisted pants and a blouse with a tied collar, a style that looked suspiciously like it had come from the pages of the 1985 J.C. Penney catalog. Sarah had the eerie feeling that she was stepping back in time.
“One of your coworkers reported inappropriate behavior between you and another employee,” the HR manager began.
Sarah’s heart was in her throat. “What kind of inappropriate behavior?” She was in a panic, thinking that she had wrongly criticized one of her employees, or said something off-color that had offended someone.
“We have been told that a male employee was embracing you on company property during business hours. As you are aware from the employee handbook, intra-company relationships are strictly forbidden.”
Sarah’s mind raced. She wasn’t having an affair with anyone. Who could they have mistaken her for? “I’m not really sure…” she began, then stopped. “I mean, I am seeing someone. Offline. Well, sort of. Occasionally. At his convenience, really, which pretty much sucks. But that’s really beside the point. He’s not an employee here. I don’t think he’s ever visited me at work, either.”
“We’re not speaking of Michael. Our anonymous tipster informs us that they witnessed you and,” the HR manager reached for her notes, “Jared Michaels with your arms around each other.”
Sarah burst out laughing, then tried to contain herself. “Oh, no. You don’t understand. You see, Jared is… well, he’s gay. I’m not divulging any big secrets here, because he’s out of the closet and all that. And it wasn’t an embrace as much as it was a reassuring hug. You know, the kind where you’re walking next to someone and you reach around and pull them close, shoulder to shoulder.”
The HR manager folded her hands, with skin that betrayed her age in a way that her impeccably made-up face and well-colored hair did not. In fact, cosmetically she gave off quite a different aura from her dated clothing. Her face alone almost seemed young. “While that is an interesting strategy to protect both of your jobs, that is not the information that I have heard,” she said, sternly.
“And exactly what have you heard?” asked Sarah, relieved by the fact that she knew that there was no impropriety in this case, and genuinely interested in what the rumor mill had to offer.
“My notes indicate frequent lunches together. Midday jaunts to the coffee shop. Quiet whispering in the kitchen.” She looked up at Sarah and handed her a piece of paper. “On your first day of employment, you did sign this form, acknowledging that you had received and read the employee handbook.
“And since when is male-female friendship against policy?” Sarah asked.
“It is against policy when you are sleeping with a coworker,” replied the HR manager.
“I can absolutely assure you that I am not,” Sarah said emphatically.
“Well, we’ll see what Mr. Michaels has to say about that. My colleague is questioning him in another room.”
Sarah panicked. What if Jared, being a joker, decided to play along and pretend that they were having an affair, just because he thought that the situation was absurdly funny? What if his sense of humor led to her losing her job? She was unable to contain the fear that flashed in her eyes. The HR manager noticed.
“Are you sure that there isn’t anything you would like to tell me about your relationship with Jared Michaels?” she asked. “Because the more upfront you are right now, the more likely it is that we can reach some sort of equitable arrangement to conclude your tenure.”
“You’re so certain about this that you’re already telling me that I’m fired?” Sarah asked, astonished.
She smiled with a barely contained joy at the thought of a termination proceeding. “I wouldn’t have brought you in here if I wasn’t.”
Sarah wasn’t sure what to do next. Should she tell the HR manager about her family situation and how much she was worrying about her mother and grandmother? Should she tell her about how helpful (in his own, strange way) Jared had been during this time? Should she tell her about her lackluster relationship with Michael, and how she was sure that this was going nowhere, but that she didn’t know how to extract herself from something that had been going on for so long? Half a dozen thoughts were racing through her brain when there was a knock at the HR manager’s door. A man opened the door, motioned to Sarah’s inquisitor to join him outside in the hallway. There was much banter between the two, but just below the threshold where Sarah could hear or understand any of it. Finally, her HR manager returned to the office and pulled out a file folder.
“It says in your personnel report that you were the youngest director in the company’s history,” she said. “Someone must have seen something special in you.”
Sarah was on the defensive. “It might have been my tendency to work 22 hours a day, but I could be wrong. It also might have something to do with an ivy-league degree.”
“Your first boss was male, correct?” The HR manager had Sarah’s file in hand, so she already knew the answers to the questions that she was asking.
Sarah didn’t like where this line of questioning was headed. “Yes,” she replied, opting for brevity to keep the floodgates of anger from opening up and drowning this woman.
The HR manager leaned across the desk. “I know your kind. Don’t think that you’ll be able to rely on your youth and looks forever.”
“I haven’t relied on them yet,” said Sarah.
“Of course you haven’t,” she said with an artificial, pinched smile. “Well, after discussing the situation with my colleague, we have decided to let both of you go with just a warning in your permanent file.”
“I see,” Sarah replied.
“But don’t think that we believed Mr. Michaels’s elaborate theatrics for one moment. No one—and I do mean no one—is that flamboyant. He shouldn’t take lessons in ‘how to act like a gay man’ from Liberace or Charles Nelson Reilly.”
Sarah had to stifle a laugh. She had always thought that he had more of an Elton John-ish quality about him, but the image of Charles Nelson Reilly sitting on his Match Game perch, replaced with Jared in Charles Nelson Reilly’s giant glasses was almost too much for her to handle.
“Now,” the HR manager said sternly, “I suggest that going forward, you will be far more cautious about your choice of associates and on-site behavior.”
Sarah nodded and the HR manager stared blankly, waiting for the next instruction. After a lengthy pause, she suddenly realized that she had been excused. She awkwardly rose from her chair and hurried to the door, fumbling with the knob as she rushed to exit. She practically ran down the hall to the stairwell, and as the heavy fire door closed behind her, she slumped to the step, clutched her head in her hands and sighed with the frustration of it all.
“Is that you?” she heard Jared’s voice echo in the cavernous stairwell.
She looked around, not sure where the voice was coming from. “Yeah. Where are you?”
“6th. Are you still on 8th?”
“Yes.”
“Thought so. I didn’t hear more than a few footsteps.” She heard him approaching, taking the steps two at a time.
“Oh, don’t come closer,” she said sarcastically. “It might confirm our affair.”
He popped into view below her. “Who the hell is the ass-clown who reported us, and why?”
“I have no idea,” she replied. “Clearly it was no one who knows you. It’s not like you hide your orientation.”
“I mean, for god’s sake, I can’t act any swishier. To day that you’re having an affair with me is like saying that you’re having an affair with...”
“Charles Nelson Reilly?” she chimed in.
“Oh god, no. No! I was thinking more like the suave, debonair Rock Hudson type, although that would make you more of a Doris Day.” He paused for a moment, then returned to the celebrity comparisons. “Why the hell would you say Charles Nelson Reilly?” he asked.
“Evidently that’s the vibe you conveyed.” Jared gasped in horror at the thought. “What the heck did you say to your inquisitor, anyway?” Sarah wished that she could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.
“Nothing of consequence. I told him that they had it all wrong. You and I had much the same taste in men: emotionally and physically unavailable. I told him about Michael and how I secretly covet your boyfriend when he’s around and attentive. I also told him that there was no excuse for wearing that shirt with that tie.” Jared shook his head at the memory of it. “Talk about clashing patterns!”
Sarah tried to drag his attention back to the matter at hand. “Well, it appears that they thought that your gayness was all an act.”
“Oh please,” Jared said. “I’m impeccably dressed and I spend 90% of my time so visibly flamingly gay that I could set your curtains on fire, and yet they doubt me?”
“I’m afraid so, my dear. Evidently they don’t think that real gay people act quite that gay.”
“Ha!” he exclaimed. “That’s ridiculous.”
“They live sheltered lives up there in HR,” she said, pointing at the door. “What can I say? Evidently all of their mandated trainings about diversity and acceptance don’t include, ‘how to identify the gayest gay man on staff.’”
“They’ll need a remedial course.” He shook his head. “Have you had your coffee yet today?”
“No, and I need it.”
“Well, let’s go.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her up to standing.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea under the circumstances?” she asked. “I feel like we’re treading on thin ice.”
“There is no Grand Inquisitor that is going to stand between me, you and fancy coffee drinks,” he said matter-of-factly. “We’re going.”
“Didn’t you tell them that you drink foufoucinos? That would have been a dead giveway.”
“No, I didn’t think of it. Maybe I should.” He turned and headed for the door as if he were on his way back to HR.
“Yeah, and while you’re at it, tell them that we’re going out for coffee, and ask them if they want anything.”
“Funny girl,” he said, smiling.
“You know that we still need to figure out who reported us,” she said.
“Don’t worry, I will,” he replied. “I have connections.”
“Then how come these connections didn’t warn us about HR before we got the urgent meeting request?”
“You ask too many questions. Shut up and let’s get caffeine.”
“One of your coworkers reported inappropriate behavior between you and another employee,” the HR manager began.
Sarah’s heart was in her throat. “What kind of inappropriate behavior?” She was in a panic, thinking that she had wrongly criticized one of her employees, or said something off-color that had offended someone.
“We have been told that a male employee was embracing you on company property during business hours. As you are aware from the employee handbook, intra-company relationships are strictly forbidden.”
Sarah’s mind raced. She wasn’t having an affair with anyone. Who could they have mistaken her for? “I’m not really sure…” she began, then stopped. “I mean, I am seeing someone. Offline. Well, sort of. Occasionally. At his convenience, really, which pretty much sucks. But that’s really beside the point. He’s not an employee here. I don’t think he’s ever visited me at work, either.”
“We’re not speaking of Michael. Our anonymous tipster informs us that they witnessed you and,” the HR manager reached for her notes, “Jared Michaels with your arms around each other.”
Sarah burst out laughing, then tried to contain herself. “Oh, no. You don’t understand. You see, Jared is… well, he’s gay. I’m not divulging any big secrets here, because he’s out of the closet and all that. And it wasn’t an embrace as much as it was a reassuring hug. You know, the kind where you’re walking next to someone and you reach around and pull them close, shoulder to shoulder.”
The HR manager folded her hands, with skin that betrayed her age in a way that her impeccably made-up face and well-colored hair did not. In fact, cosmetically she gave off quite a different aura from her dated clothing. Her face alone almost seemed young. “While that is an interesting strategy to protect both of your jobs, that is not the information that I have heard,” she said, sternly.
“And exactly what have you heard?” asked Sarah, relieved by the fact that she knew that there was no impropriety in this case, and genuinely interested in what the rumor mill had to offer.
“My notes indicate frequent lunches together. Midday jaunts to the coffee shop. Quiet whispering in the kitchen.” She looked up at Sarah and handed her a piece of paper. “On your first day of employment, you did sign this form, acknowledging that you had received and read the employee handbook.
“And since when is male-female friendship against policy?” Sarah asked.
“It is against policy when you are sleeping with a coworker,” replied the HR manager.
“I can absolutely assure you that I am not,” Sarah said emphatically.
“Well, we’ll see what Mr. Michaels has to say about that. My colleague is questioning him in another room.”
Sarah panicked. What if Jared, being a joker, decided to play along and pretend that they were having an affair, just because he thought that the situation was absurdly funny? What if his sense of humor led to her losing her job? She was unable to contain the fear that flashed in her eyes. The HR manager noticed.
“Are you sure that there isn’t anything you would like to tell me about your relationship with Jared Michaels?” she asked. “Because the more upfront you are right now, the more likely it is that we can reach some sort of equitable arrangement to conclude your tenure.”
“You’re so certain about this that you’re already telling me that I’m fired?” Sarah asked, astonished.
She smiled with a barely contained joy at the thought of a termination proceeding. “I wouldn’t have brought you in here if I wasn’t.”
Sarah wasn’t sure what to do next. Should she tell the HR manager about her family situation and how much she was worrying about her mother and grandmother? Should she tell her about how helpful (in his own, strange way) Jared had been during this time? Should she tell her about her lackluster relationship with Michael, and how she was sure that this was going nowhere, but that she didn’t know how to extract herself from something that had been going on for so long? Half a dozen thoughts were racing through her brain when there was a knock at the HR manager’s door. A man opened the door, motioned to Sarah’s inquisitor to join him outside in the hallway. There was much banter between the two, but just below the threshold where Sarah could hear or understand any of it. Finally, her HR manager returned to the office and pulled out a file folder.
“It says in your personnel report that you were the youngest director in the company’s history,” she said. “Someone must have seen something special in you.”
Sarah was on the defensive. “It might have been my tendency to work 22 hours a day, but I could be wrong. It also might have something to do with an ivy-league degree.”
“Your first boss was male, correct?” The HR manager had Sarah’s file in hand, so she already knew the answers to the questions that she was asking.
Sarah didn’t like where this line of questioning was headed. “Yes,” she replied, opting for brevity to keep the floodgates of anger from opening up and drowning this woman.
The HR manager leaned across the desk. “I know your kind. Don’t think that you’ll be able to rely on your youth and looks forever.”
“I haven’t relied on them yet,” said Sarah.
“Of course you haven’t,” she said with an artificial, pinched smile. “Well, after discussing the situation with my colleague, we have decided to let both of you go with just a warning in your permanent file.”
“I see,” Sarah replied.
“But don’t think that we believed Mr. Michaels’s elaborate theatrics for one moment. No one—and I do mean no one—is that flamboyant. He shouldn’t take lessons in ‘how to act like a gay man’ from Liberace or Charles Nelson Reilly.”
Sarah had to stifle a laugh. She had always thought that he had more of an Elton John-ish quality about him, but the image of Charles Nelson Reilly sitting on his Match Game perch, replaced with Jared in Charles Nelson Reilly’s giant glasses was almost too much for her to handle.
“Now,” the HR manager said sternly, “I suggest that going forward, you will be far more cautious about your choice of associates and on-site behavior.”
Sarah nodded and the HR manager stared blankly, waiting for the next instruction. After a lengthy pause, she suddenly realized that she had been excused. She awkwardly rose from her chair and hurried to the door, fumbling with the knob as she rushed to exit. She practically ran down the hall to the stairwell, and as the heavy fire door closed behind her, she slumped to the step, clutched her head in her hands and sighed with the frustration of it all.
“Is that you?” she heard Jared’s voice echo in the cavernous stairwell.
She looked around, not sure where the voice was coming from. “Yeah. Where are you?”
“6th. Are you still on 8th?”
“Yes.”
“Thought so. I didn’t hear more than a few footsteps.” She heard him approaching, taking the steps two at a time.
“Oh, don’t come closer,” she said sarcastically. “It might confirm our affair.”
He popped into view below her. “Who the hell is the ass-clown who reported us, and why?”
“I have no idea,” she replied. “Clearly it was no one who knows you. It’s not like you hide your orientation.”
“I mean, for god’s sake, I can’t act any swishier. To day that you’re having an affair with me is like saying that you’re having an affair with...”
“Charles Nelson Reilly?” she chimed in.
“Oh god, no. No! I was thinking more like the suave, debonair Rock Hudson type, although that would make you more of a Doris Day.” He paused for a moment, then returned to the celebrity comparisons. “Why the hell would you say Charles Nelson Reilly?” he asked.
“Evidently that’s the vibe you conveyed.” Jared gasped in horror at the thought. “What the heck did you say to your inquisitor, anyway?” Sarah wished that she could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation.
“Nothing of consequence. I told him that they had it all wrong. You and I had much the same taste in men: emotionally and physically unavailable. I told him about Michael and how I secretly covet your boyfriend when he’s around and attentive. I also told him that there was no excuse for wearing that shirt with that tie.” Jared shook his head at the memory of it. “Talk about clashing patterns!”
Sarah tried to drag his attention back to the matter at hand. “Well, it appears that they thought that your gayness was all an act.”
“Oh please,” Jared said. “I’m impeccably dressed and I spend 90% of my time so visibly flamingly gay that I could set your curtains on fire, and yet they doubt me?”
“I’m afraid so, my dear. Evidently they don’t think that real gay people act quite that gay.”
“Ha!” he exclaimed. “That’s ridiculous.”
“They live sheltered lives up there in HR,” she said, pointing at the door. “What can I say? Evidently all of their mandated trainings about diversity and acceptance don’t include, ‘how to identify the gayest gay man on staff.’”
“They’ll need a remedial course.” He shook his head. “Have you had your coffee yet today?”
“No, and I need it.”
“Well, let’s go.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her up to standing.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea under the circumstances?” she asked. “I feel like we’re treading on thin ice.”
“There is no Grand Inquisitor that is going to stand between me, you and fancy coffee drinks,” he said matter-of-factly. “We’re going.”
“Didn’t you tell them that you drink foufoucinos? That would have been a dead giveway.”
“No, I didn’t think of it. Maybe I should.” He turned and headed for the door as if he were on his way back to HR.
“Yeah, and while you’re at it, tell them that we’re going out for coffee, and ask them if they want anything.”
“Funny girl,” he said, smiling.
“You know that we still need to figure out who reported us,” she said.
“Don’t worry, I will,” he replied. “I have connections.”
“Then how come these connections didn’t warn us about HR before we got the urgent meeting request?”
“You ask too many questions. Shut up and let’s get caffeine.”
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